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NEW YORK — By the time many of today’s couples get married, they’ve lived on their own for some time and already have their blenders, knives and bedding. So what’s a guest to give?
Kayaks, cooking lessons, charitable donations or contributions toward a down payment on a house are just some of the things that might now be part of a bridal registry. Couples with a shared passion such as fine wine or rare books might suggest things they’d like added to their collections.
Registries can be a sign of what a bride and groom stand for and how they live, said Antonia van der Meer, editor in chief of Modern Bride and Elegant Bride magazines.
A generation ago, wedding gifts helped couples who were moving out of their parents’ homes and into a place of their own. But the average age of brides today is 27, and 29 for grooms. They have a much better sense than did earlier couples of where their lives will lead and what they’ll need along the way.
Also, men getting married have more input on gift lists than they did in the past, which might explain the shift from decorative objects to electronics.
And the Internet drastically changed registries: A couple isn’t limited to one or two stores, and guests don’t worry about having to carry wrapped gifts.
“Wedding traditions in general have loosened up. People do things differently now and that has trickled down to registries,” van der Meer said. “It’s appropriate to register for almost anything.”
That said, guests shouldn’t feel they’re being charged admission to the wedding.
“Don’t expect people to buy you anything. You’ve invited them as a guest, and they’re not obligated to bring you anything. Lower your expectations that far. That’s why they call it a gift,” van der Meer said.
If a couple does choose to register for less conventional things, van der Meer urges them to offer a broader array of choices than if they were trying to stock a kitchen. Guests need to be able to find something they feel comfortable giving, she said.
Potential gifts also should span several price points.
There’s no need, however, to shy away from big-ticket items. Groups of friends might chip in for the high-definition television or make a honeymoon even more memorable by buying spa services or upgrading the hotel room.
Charitable donations “are a fairly large trend” among her upscale clientele, said Jung Lee, co-owner of the New York wedding planning company Fete.
“These people take stock of their life and feel blessed they have such a fortunate life. They feel like it’s wrong to get any more,” Lee said.
Others who encourage charitable donations are people who really love the finer things and don’t want anything short of that in their home, Lee said. Donations keep the clutter out.
Lee also is seeing more personalized or unusual gifts as a revolt against the box-store giants and their easy-to-use registries.
Couples who don’t register for anything leave themselves vulnerable to ugly table linens and another ice-cream maker to join the one already collecting dust. Couples who register for things they don’t really want risk having to pull out the novelty plates every time the cousin who gave them comes to dinner.
“Realize you might get any of these gifts, so register wisely,” said Sharon Naylor, author of the new “The Ultimate Wedding Registry Workbook” (Citadel Press).
According to Naylor, it’s not unusual for couples to have multiple registries:
- Traditional, yet upgraded — Register for high-quality cookware or luxury linens “so you don’t have to keep using the knives you’ve had since college,” she said.
- Financial — This covers honeymoon funds, home-mortgage registries and even stocks-and-bonds registries. Such registries should be specific and administered by a bank or other reputable company, Naylor said. And they should be accompanied by a more traditional registry. “Otherwise, it seems like a sneaky way to ask for cash.”
- Charitable — “This says, ‘We don’t need stuff,’” Naylor said. Many couples steer clear of political or religious organizations because they don’t want to offend any guests, she said. A charity is a nice option for guests on tight budgets because many charities only inform the couple that a donation was made, without revealing the amount.
No matter where a couple registers, the information should not be printed on the invitation, Naylor said. Many couples now have personalized wedding Web sites, where such news can be posted.
Some get away with registry enclosures in shower invitations or save-the-date cards, but those should be subtle, giving the Web address, perhaps, but not the actual gift wish list.
“The main etiquette point is to avoid the appearance of greed,” Naylor said.
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